I'm Married...What next?

I really love weddings! The make-up, the flowers, the pretty ladies, the excitement in the air, the beautiful wedding gowns, the tightness in your tummy...God! That tightness, you are just too excited! You don’t have to sneak around anymore, you can explore your fantasies, and you are free at last. It’s a great feeling!

The guests go home, the food is finished, the music fades, the decoration starts getting pulled down and you are in your hotel room with your spouse, looking into each other’s eyes, smiling and most likely thinking... So what next?

This is actually a question you should have answered long ago before the wedding, but most people are too carried away with the euphoria of the wedding that they forget that it’s just a wedding and the most important thing is the marriage.

Below is a conversation between a newly married and unmarried colleague of mine in the canteen:

Unmarried: hey dear how are you? Long time

Married: I’m fine my dear, we thank God 

Unmarried: how’s marriage now? We are still looking forward to our own oh, can’t wait!

Married: shrugs, its aii...not bad

Unmarried: not bad? haba...it should be blazing with excitement na

Married: my dear, truth is, marriage is boring. There is nothing to look forward to, it’s the same person and the same things happening over and over again, it’s just there jarey, just take your time before you go in.

All the while, me I was quiet oh, just minding my matrimonial business, keeping my thoughts to myself and decided not to join in on the conversation. Just as I was trying to redirect my thoughts somewhere else, the married colleague goes, haba Lorita tell her now, tell her the truth, explain to her that it’s not all that! I just smiled and told the unmarried one, the small and simple truth that I know...your marriage will turn out the way you both (husband and wife) want it to turn out and I continued eating my white rice with red pepper stew.

See, the truth is, we think (especially the ladies) that when we get married, the trumpet of God will wake us up in the morning and fireworks will put us to sleep while we dream of roses and dolphins and wake up to sweet scented flowers with your husband kneeling in front of you, proposing to your over and over again till the day you both die together, on the same day, when you have grown old and grey and all your children are wonderfully married, and you can look back at your life, smile and say to your partner “let’s go continue our happily ever after in heaven baby" then you both shut your eyes and die in peace!

Ok, maybe a little bit exaggerated, but my point is, we expect it to be extraordinary like the weddings and all the beautiful movies we watch and we think we never really have to do anything to make it beautiful.

Truth is, marriage is beautiful, the togetherness is splendid, but then again, so is commitment, prayer and self-satisfaction. If you want a Disney land kinda marriage, you better be ready to always be on set, mastering your script that will in turn lead to a beautiful movie. But trust me, once one of you gets tired of the institution and the other party has to do both jobs, it starts getting boring and unfulfilling. And by working on your marriage, it shouldn’t be hard-work, it shouldn’t be stressful, it’s not a bricklaying job. It should be simple, enjoyable, and without force. Well except you missed this next point

Marry the right person, and the right person is subjective.  Don’t think you can change anyone to become perfect/right for you. Marry the right person for you, not the right person for your mother or your father,  'cos trust me, if “gbege” burst, I trust our African parents to tell us "nne manage o, just pray for him, he will change" or "you can't come back home oh, it has never happened in our family that someone left her husband's house" or "you know women are like that, you have to learn how to manage her well" and all the other stories that enlighten the gods but there’s really nothing they can do to help, except you want to leave the marriage all together or get another partner. Both of which most times, leaves someone hurt

So who says marriage should be boring? It shouldn’t be. For me, marriage starts with marrying the right person and that person had better still be right 50 years down the line. A Disneyland marriage is possible but it requires commitment, and most importantly for me, prayers, to keep you in the right direction at all times.

Please remember this is just a personal opinion and not a yardstick for anyone’s marriage, after all, wetin small girl like me sabi? In the end, we are all still learners! :)

Peace!